I molested 6 butterflies tonight
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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