apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
