I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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