who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
