Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
