First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
