yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I want to walk on stilts...naked
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
