My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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