DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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