Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
