I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
