You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
