last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
