I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
