Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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