I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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