My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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