bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
