I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
