Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
