I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
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How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
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After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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