8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
