Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
