jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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