Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
