Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
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DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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