It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
