just tell him i said nine months
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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