I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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