If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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