i just wanna soil my oats bro
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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