i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
