wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
