DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
