i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
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My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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