I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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