Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just cut my nipple shaving
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
