I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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