hotel room ftw
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
