on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I supernannyed him into submission
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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