I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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