I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
