i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.