the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog