I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
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we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.