it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
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he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.