I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
