shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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