my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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