the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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