Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
