Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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