explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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