i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You pole danced in your parka.
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This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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