I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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