You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
