Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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