my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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